January 2009
isn’t it interesting? i feel so out of place. i want to run and run and run until i’m not here…just somewhere. but i would be lost without you. without you i would be just as out of place. so can’t i take you with me; pack you up and carry you along?
damn it. damn it. damn it. damn it. let me help! my heart is too big for my body; when it can’t escape in the form of action, it escapes in the form of tears, sobs, screams and groans. i have so much love, so much compassion. i just want so badly to help. i want to treat you light years better than i treat myself. i want to be some form of comfort. you can always talk to me about...
i love astrid. i love her because she is a lovable kitten and loving her is hard to resist. i love her for other reasons though. she keeps me from focusing on myself. she needs to be taken care of and played with almost always. she wants to be with me. i forgot how that feels; to be wanted.
nights are hard. night is when everything hits like a wave. thoughts, fears, anxieties, dreams, wants,...
last night was the worst i’ve had in a while. sobbing in bed until three in the morning, laying wide awake with no more tears to cry, trying to sleep in my parents room until around six, back to my room, falling asleep finally, getting up for church. i just don’t feel like i can deal with all of this anymore. but i don’t think i can deal without it.